Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
