Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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