I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
