i jhust puked up my retainher.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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