I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
