Got a toothbrush?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
