A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
