Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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