Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
