Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
