Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
