I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
