Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
