at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
