Betty ford says i'm here all night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
