Ketchup is God's man juice
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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