I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
