The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
