I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm like, not good at living.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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