Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Text me some of your sweat
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