I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
