my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
