thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Success! We fucked roommates!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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