im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just had sex on a roof
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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