Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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