I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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