listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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