Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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