Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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