Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
