I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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