10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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