I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
