I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
