I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
