Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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