Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
