kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
