I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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