If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
