seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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