Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
