Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
