Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No subtext here. People are naked.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
