Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
