So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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