I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my shit smells like andre
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
