he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
