Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
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I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
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I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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