So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
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