I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
