I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
