Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
