Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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