I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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