Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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