She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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