We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
