The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
