News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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